The
Best I Never Had
“Okay
guys, let’s take this again from the top, Deji, take the lead this time, John
watch the tempo, don’t forget the switch to some TRAP, so Ugo can do his thing
with 16 bars, Bayo your bass lines man, I’m not feeling them like the very
first rehearsal. Joan you’re doing a good job with the elec piano &
strings, I dey feel you die, same as you Ted, in fact I don’t have any problems
with the keyboards, the lead guitarist, & the backups” Tega our music
director was saying. I just wanted the rehearsals to be over with, so I could
get home, & get some sleep
“Are
we still maintaining the same key the original song used?” I asked “Yeah,
that’s G major, right?” Tega asked “Correct” I affirmed
“Alright
Deji, ready? Yvonne, remember the harmony at --It’s gonna feel real good, gonna
make a difference—and the other parts. Deji don’t forget that staccatoish stuff
at the beginning, you guys know the arrangement already, let’s kill this one
more time"
“Yes
Boss!” Deji said “Alright guys, Joan over to you to key us in” “Aye! Tega” Joan
said, she looked at John the drummer to give her a silent 1-2-3-Go count before she began
playing the intro to Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror.
“—I wanna make a change for once in
my life…it’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it
ri-igh-ight..As I..—” Deji sang
“GO!” Tega directed, as I entered
with the grand piano, and the drummer cued in too. We continued with the
progression till we got to just before the ‘Change’ part where a modulation was
supposed to happen, then John and Bayo did their thing with the drum and bass, then
switched to some hiphop beat, then Ugo came in with the rap:
“Reflections Reflections, Mirror
Mirror on the wall…I can see the bad in me tryinga make moves aint proud to be.
Like the evil I’ve become, the world will soon be dead and gone, and if we do not
act right, then I’ll be damned we never won. Huh! Reflections deflections, Imma
make my own inflections, from the status quo of bad, good stuff that Michael
Jackson sang. The problem isn’t people, the problem is who I am, and if we take
it personal, all we’ll ever need is-“
“CHANGE!” the backup sang, as they
went a tone higher
“I’m starting with the man in the
mirror (Oh yeah) I’m asking him to change his ways (change)…” Deji sang.
“Okay give me some church in here”
Tega shouted, and the instruments ceased, while the backups continued in
harmony and claps.
“…Yeah! Make that change… Man in the
mirror…” They sang.
“Guys, guys! Something is wrong,
there are some flat notes from the backups, what’s up na? Then Joan and You,
David, you’re not in sync again” Tega said as he looked at Joan and me.
“Maybe we are just fatigued, we’ve
been working all day, then coming here and we’ve spent 4 hours already in
rehearsals, I think we need rest” Joan said.
“Okay, let’s call it a day then,
please learn your parts, vocalists, rehearse your parts, and stay away from
stuff that’ll affect your voice. Instrumentalists, score this on your own till
you can play from your sleep. We have just one rehearsal before the
competition, if we want to come out tops, then we’ve got to put extra efforts ”
Tega charged, and we dismissed. I packed my stuff and went to my car, I was in
no mood to exchange pleasantries with anybody, I just wanted the solace in
solitude.
“Hey babe, babe!” Joan called out.
If only she knew how calling me babe now, irked me, if only she knew what I
knew.
“What?” I asked.
“What? Okay, I’m just gonna act like
you’ve been really stressed for 2 weeks and have become grumpy, what’s wrong?
You don’t text or call me unless I do, and even when you reply, it’s
monosyllabic and feels like I’m irritating you, and I’m really bothered, ‘cause
that’s not you, so I ask again, what’s wrong?” Joan asked.
“I just want to be left alone” I
answered, as I got in the car.
“Do you know what it feels like to
be shut out by a partner? You don’t know the pain I feel? You’ve stopped
caring, and I really need to know why, ‘cause it’s eating me up badly” She
continued.
“Joan I’ve had a rough day, I’m not
in the mood for talks, I just want to go home and relax” I said as I put the
key in the ignition and started the car.
“Oh wow! It’s Joan now, not baby,
not your dearest, not your bestest, just Joan- this is new, baby please talk to
me, tell me my wrong, you’re the one who talks about how communication is
important in a relationship, and you’ve just suddenly gone incommunicado on me”
She said.
“Goodnight Joan” Was all I said,
then drove off. I got to my compound, parked and just sat in the car for a
while and was lost in thoughts. Few minutes later, a knock on my car window
startled me, I looked and found Joan, Oh no! guess I needed to take a decisive
action.
“It’s five years of my life I have
invested in this relationship, a lot of sacrifices I have made to be your best,
I can’t just stand and allow it go like that. So baby, you’re gonna talk to me
right here, right now” She said.
“It’s over Joan” I said.
“What’s over? The drift between us?
Oh thank God it’s over, don’t be acting that way my love” She said, sounding
like she was relieved.
“No, this relationship is over, I’m
done, I can’t continue with you” I said
“Wait! What? You’re kidding right?”
Joan asked
“No I’m not, it’s really over”
“Are you seeing someone else?” She
asked calmly.
“No, I’m not, but you’re sleeping
with someone else” I answered
“Hold on baby, what did you say?”
She asked
“I said what I said” I answered
“You’re accusing me of cheating?
Where’s all this coming from?” She asked
“Oh that nice reunion you had with
your ex two weeks ago, I got the full gist of what went down, and it all makes
sense, seeing as your past was all about jumping beds” I said
“Baby, you really want to use my
past against me? Because I opened up to you, out of trust, love, and a need for
transparency? Baby, your past isn’t entirely spotless you know, we’ve all made
terrible decisions at some points in our lives, many of us have pasts we are
not proud of, and have made efforts to change. I’m sad and totally disappointed
that you of all people would do this to me, I didn’t expect this from you at
all, you have…”
“Joan please spare me the melodrama,
only God knows how deceitful you have been these 5 years” I interrupted.
“What? Why are you doing this to me?
Why are you being spiteful to me? What gist did you hear that’s making you hate
me suddenly?” She asked. I took my phone out, and sent some pictures to her
WhatsApp.
“Check your WhatsApp” I replied, she
did, and I could hear her gasp for breathe
“No no no, noooo, baby nooo” She
cried.
“Well they say a leopard can never
run from its spots, I thought you changed, but I was wrong, bye Joan,
goodnight” I said, as I turned to get into my apartment.
“Baby, these pictures were taken
long before we met, please baby, let’s sit and talk this out” She said.
“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s
really over, you visited your ex, and gave me excuses which I believed, then
your ex sent me these pictures, with a caption –I took good care of your
woman—, why am I even wasting time talking to you? Just go already”
“Baby, hear me out please, if for
nothing, for the sake of the 5 years we spent together. Please, those pictures
are not from 2 weeks ago, that’s like 8 years ago, and he told me he had
deleted the pictures. 2 weeks ago, I explained to you that my car broke down at
midnight on my way from work, I needed to be safe, you weren’t picking or
replying my texts, there was no other friend that was close….”
“Good night Joan” I shut her out.
That night, I couldn’t sleep, I wept hard,
“Why me? Why do I keep being the good guy that gets stabbed in all
relationships?” I asked no one in particular. I drowned myself in alcohol, but
sleep never came. This was the 10th relationship I was hoping would
lead to marriage, I had been dumped in previous relationships either because
according to them, I was not spontaneous enough, some said I was not serious
because I wasn’t ready, I was dumped for being too nice. Now after working so
hard at becoming a better partner for Joan, it was all working out well till
this stuff happened.
Joan tried severally to get me to
listen, but I wasn’t interested, I was done, I didn’t need her in my life anymore,
I just needed to move on and get on with my life, but it didn’t happen that
way, I began to lose interest in everything, I ditched the music rehearsals and
the concert without explanations, and even yelled at Tega to stop disturbing my
life, I yelled at my boss too and got fired. I had become a jobless person and
was gradually slipping into manic depression, suddenly nothing mattered
anymore, I had become an alcoholic again, and looked for hard drugs. I was
becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol, but the truth is, none of them was
making me feel better, rather it seemed to drag me into a dark vacuum, and the
voices in my head kept reminding me about how much of a failure I had become,
the voices kept getting louder until one day it screamed “DIE LOSER!”, yes!
That was the answer to the trauma I was going through- Death!
Two months after, my health was
deteriorating fast, I had become a shadow of myself, and in my manic state, I
had excommunicated everyone who cared about me at some poin. Deep down, I knew
I needed someone to talk to, but it was late now, death was the best answer to
the pain I felt, so I went out to get some drugs from the medicine store, I
intended to overdose on the drugs and just die. When I got home, I looked
around me, there was really no reason for me to stay alive. A long WhatsApp
text came in from Joan’s ex-
“-Hey dude- -you’re the dumbest
fellow ever- -You let a good relationship of five years with Joan walk away,
because I sent you some shit that happened way before y’all became foolish—I
told her you were a dumb mofo, and couldn’t understand why she left me for
you—I thought you would see the time and date stamp on the pictures and realize
they were very old pictures, but no, you chose to be the stupid failure you
are—I actually wanted her come back to me after the whole thing, but as soon as
she left you, she went back to the States and got married yesterday—I’m sad it
wasn’t me, well it couldn’t have been me seeing as I broke her trust, but damn
I’m very glad it wasn’t you either—Bye failure! Oh and that day she crashed at
my place, did she tell you she refused to sleep inside the room I offered her?
She was up all night, and nothing happened between us…lol! I love this!” I read
the text one more time, then looked at the raunchy photos he sent some months
earlier, and indeed there were dates on all of them. Then the realization hit
me real hard, I was a failure indeed.
Joan had brought me out of the
darkest moments when everyone else had abandoned me, she made me see I had
potential, that I could go beyond my own limitations, in our five years of
bliss, she had never given me cause to doubt her, she was the only one who ever
really knew me, and look how I let her go, because I allowed my fear of being
rejected yet again, take over my sense of reasoning, because I refused to
listen to her, she was the light in my life, she was my adviser, confidant,
best friend, sister, lover, guardian, support, and yet I threw away the best
thing that ever happened to me. I wept bitterly, and didn’t see any reason to
stay alive, I had failed everyone that ever helped me in one way or the other,
no, tell me what I was living for?
I looked at the drugs, and was about to
swallow when I thought to myself, “there’s one thing that needs to be done”. –Multiple
stabbings as he got off his car at home, I felt so glad and loved the look on
his face when he saw me, and I made sure my face was all he could see, as the
knife kept plunging in and out, now we could go continue the fight in hell, now
I could die happily knowing full well that I had just taken the life of the
person who took my life away from me! Joan was the best I never had.
******THE END*********
